well me and matt broke up. i still cant believe its over. im so not ready for it to be. i hope its only a break. i hope he doesnt find someone better then me. im still in love. and this hurts so bad.  this is my first actual love.  and it came and went so quick. and everything we've done together keeps flashing through my head. and i cant believe that none of that means anything to him anymore. it just hurts so bad. the only thing ive ever wanted was to be in love. and now that i have i wish i never was. ive been crying for 3 days.  ive never cried this much over someone ever. and i just cant stop crying. i want him back.  i want him back so bad it hurts.  he said theres other guys out there for me. but i dont want other guys.. i want him.  ive been with other guys. none of them were like him. hes the only one who ever asked me to meet my family. the only guy i told i loved and meant it. the only guy i want to be with. he was the one for me. the one i could spend my life with. he doesnt get that love has sacrifices. he wants to blame me for his friends all not partying anymore. for him not getting to go out. i pray that he realizes what he lost. i pray he'll ask me to take him back. i would in an instant. i love him. and i hate that i love him. i hate that this hurts so bad. i hate that i cant stop thinking about him. i hate that i cant stop crying over him. i hate love. i wish i never fell into it. i want him to come hold me and tell me everything will be alright. even though i know it wont be. not without him. i want him back so bad.

i almost died falling off a cliff on monday. i wish i had.  i wish i didnt grab the branch. i wish i had fallen and died. i would have at least died semi-happy. i should kill myself now. make him suffer. make him realize its his fault i feel this way. make him realize i would do anything to be with him, and if i cant be with him i dont want to be alive.

omg, there are some fucking things i wanna say so bad right now, but i cant fucking come to say them. its fucking gay. and my anxiety is like racing right now, i cant sit still, i cant talk to anyone cuz i just more pissed off. no ones home, thank god, or id prolly go off on her too.  i just realized why im so anxious, cuz something set me off, after i burried what pissed me off yesterday. which has to do with jamie, and of course, i can never deal with any of my stress i get from her, i get really depressed with anything that has to do with her.    and of course what set me off today was something about that night at josh's.. of course jj had to say something, and i know they know it pissed me off, cuz urania took the phone back and changed the subject, but then it changed to something else that pissed me off. they need to learn to not fucking say shit to me, especially shit thats not their fucking business.
i think i just realized that i shouldnt involve myself with sandwich anymore, its wayyy too fucked up, way too small town every one's head so far shoved up everyones ass cuz theres nothing else to do in a fucking small town but be nosey. and i hate instigators/nosey people that are always getting into shit that has nothing to do with them.

life suckz, i just fucked jason again saturday night.. it was kinda gay, and to me it was only a one night stand.. i just hope josh never finds out.. eek.